What is gaslighting in a marriage? No one goes into a relationship expecting it to turn toxic. But not all forms of toxicity are immediately obvious, and some of them, like gaslighting, can creep up on people without them even realizing it. The goal of gaslighting is to make a victim question their own reality and self-worth, leading them to align more with the abuser and feel less confident about their own judgment and sanity.
This tactic can be difficult to identify, especially when a person is not shouting at their victim or putting their hands in their faces and making physical threats. Instead, a gaslighter will use subtle manipulation techniques that wear their victim down over time.
They tell white lies.
In a relationship, it’s common for partners to disagree about certain things. However, a disagreement should not be used as an excuse to twist facts and create false memories. For example, if your partner claims that the Mona Lisa is not your favorite painting when you have told her dozens of times that The Starry Night is, this could be a sign that your partner is using white lies to manipulate you.
They make you doubt your own memory and reality.
What is gaslighting in a marriage? A gaslighter will downplay your experiences to erode your sense of self-worth. For example, if your spouse is cheating on you but keeps accusing you of lying about it, this makes you doubt the validity of your own feelings and beliefs. It also gives the abuser an opportunity to blame you for their own actions, which can lead to a spiral of guilt and self-doubt that ultimately affects your mental health.
They stifle your emotions by telling you they are normal.
What is gaslighting in a marriage? Gaslighters know that victims are wired to seek stability and may only look to their abuser for comfort in challenging times. This is why they will often stifle your emotions by saying things such as “You’re overreacting” or “All of these emotions are normal.” This undermines your feelings and makes you believe that the abuser is in control of your emotional well-being.
They deny something that you have proof of.
What is gaslighting in a marriage? If a person is constantly denying your truth, they are attempting to disrupt your sense of reality and confuse you. This is a common tactic of gaslighting that can lead to serious consequences if not recognized. For example, if your partner is constantly saying that they didn’t take out the trash but you have proof of them doing so, it can lead to you feeling disbelieving of other people who have witnessed their behavior.
They try to turn others against you in the legal system.
What is gaslighting in a marriage? In divorce and custody cases, gaslighters will often attempt to delegitimize their target by manipulating the criminal or family court systems. This includes filing false police reports, portraying the victim as mentally unstable, and making threats of violence. In many cases, these tactics are effective and can prevent a victim from getting the help they need.
What is gaslighting in a marriage? If you've ever been in a relationship where someone systematically attempts to make you doubt your own perceptions and feelings, you know how damaging and debilitating it can be. While some instances of gaslighting may seem harmless, it can have a snowball effect on your sense of self, which impacts judgment, daily life decisions, and even negotiations. It's especially dangerous when the person doing the gaslighting is a power figure—such as a supervisor or manager at work.
In fact, almost all gaslighting situations described in psychological literature involve people who are either romantic partners or in close relationships with family members, friends, co-workers, and sometimes even medical providers. This is because gaslighting only works when the manipulator already has a certain degree of trust or dependency from the victim. Moreover, when gaslighting is done in close relationships of dependence and trust, it can erode epistemic autonomy, making the victim dependent on the gaslighter to determine what reality is and who to believe.
Gaslighters use a number of different strategies to manipulate their victims. What is gaslighting in a marriage? Some of the most common are as follows:
Redirections and denials
What is gaslighting in a marriage? This is one of the most popular techniques because it's easy to hide behind. It's also a way to avoid having to take responsibility for your actions. For instance, if you accuse your boss of stealing company property, the first thing they might do is deny the theft and redirect your attention to other issues.
Another example of gaslighting is accusing the victim of being paranoid. What is gaslighting in a marriage? Accusations that you're crazy are meant to make you second guess your own experiences and feelings, which can be a very effective form of control. For instance, if your boss accuses you of being paranoid over an email or in a meeting, you might start to think you're just oversensitive and overreacting—even though the abuser has no proof to back up their claim.
Finally, a gaslighter might deny or question the victim's memories of events. What is gaslighting in a marriage? This can include things like changing the subject, countering with a different point of view, trivializing, and/or denying the event altogether. In the movie Gaslight, Gregory repeatedly denied his wife's experiences, such as hearing footsteps at night and seeing ghosts, in an attempt to convince her she was losing her mind.
Often, gaslighting occurs in cycles. What is gaslighting in a marriage? For instance, a boss might criticize your tone of voice or other small details in a meeting before turning around and saying that you're the problem because you haven't been listening. This pattern can be hard to recognize because it happens so quickly and on a subconscious level. This is why it's important to proactively address the issue and seek support outside of the abusive situation. What is gaslighting in a marriage? You can do this by telling other trusted individuals about your experience or by writing it down in a journal or using a private online forum. You can also reach out to a professional—talkspace connects you to licensed therapists based on their expertise from across the country, including many trained in treating workplace harassment and toxic relationships.
What is gaslighting in a marriage? Many people get into relationships expecting mutual trust and respect, but some toxic behaviors can creep up and wreak havoc. One such behavior is called gaslighting, a form of emotional abuse where the abusive person tries to make their victim doubt their own reality. This can make it very difficult to determine what is real and what is not, especially when the gaslighting occurs in a close relationship. If you are being gaslighted, here are some tips to help you navigate this tricky situation:
The first step is gaining some distance. What is gaslighting in a marriage? This can be done by physically leaving the situation, or by practicing relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and grounding exercises. It is also important to try and save evidence of what has been happening, such as writing in a journal or saving text messages and emails. It can be helpful to have these as reminders of what you have been through when arguing with someone who is gaslighting you.
In addition, it is important to have a support network in place that you can rely on for insight and encouragement. What is gaslighting in a marriage? Trying to explain what is going on can be exhausting, but having a group of trusted friends who will listen and offer you an unbiased perspective can be very helpful. This can include bringing in outside observers to meetings when you will be talking with the gaslighting person. This will make them less likely to use tactics such as questioning your memory or trivializing your feelings.
Another way to gain some distance is to name their gaslighting behaviors when they occur. What is gaslighting in a marriage? This can be very powerful, as it shows them that their tactics are not working and that you are not willing to accept their toxicity in your life. This is particularly effective when they try to use manipulation strategies such as blaming you for their own abusive behavior, questioning your memories of events or using countering, where they attempt to discredit your thoughts or perceptions by pointing out flaws in your logic.
Finally, it is essential to establish clear boundaries for yourself and stick to them. What is gaslighting in a marriage? This is particularly important when dealing with someone who uses gaslighting in a romantic relationship. Many abusers will try to isolate their victims from their family and friends, preventing them from having the resources they need to escape the abuse. They may even tell their victim’s loved ones that they are mentally unstable to further devalue and dismiss the victim’s claims of abuse.
It is important to remember that you have a right to your own thoughts, emotions and perceptions, and no one should be allowed to question them. What is gaslighting in a marriage? If you are in a situation where you feel that your mental and physical safety is being threatened, seek out the help of a therapist who is trained to recognize gaslighting in relationships. They will be able to provide you with the tools and guidance you need to protect yourself.
Law Office of Richard Roman Shum, Esq., PLLC
20 Clinton St #5d, New York, NY 10002, United States
(646) 259-3416